Advert: A Cautionary Tale

by Tessa Kjeldsdottir

A middle aged man with a bad comb-over of fading blond hair, dressed in khaki pants, a short-sleeve shirt, and dark brown man-sandals, rambles down a suburban street. He bends to pluck dollar bills from the sidewalk directly in front of him, and stuffs them in his pants pockets, front and back, as he shambles along.

[Announcer: Dick spends his entire life chasing the all-mighty dollar]

Jaunty music plays as Dick picks up speed, running young mothers in yoga pants and their double strollers off the sidewalk. Crossing peoples’ lawns and tripping over garden hoses, he traverses scores of unfenced backyards to interrupt lawn parties that feature badminton, croquet, and cocktails. In hot pursuit, he tips over a black Weber grill — all fired up and stacked with butterfly lamb chops and sweet corn in the husk — sweeping up dollar bill after dollar bill.

[Announcer: All work and no play makes Dick a very dull boy]

His capacious pants pockets fill to overflowing, but Dick keeps on going, continuing to collect and stuff bills in his oversized and stretchy button-up shirt, slowing only once to tuck said shirt into his pants. In fact, he marches in place as he tucks and scans his surroundings. At that moment, mouth open in wonder, he spies a dollar materializing in mid-air, spiraling down over a swimming pool.

It heads right for an air mattress, on which lounges a bikini-clad brunette with cat’s-eye sunglasses. She smiles at Dick, her flesh glistening with tanning oil, a drink with a bright paper parasol in one elegant, scarlet-nailed hand. Lowering her sunglasses with the other hand, she arches her eyebrow over a cool blue and heavily mascaraed eye.

[Announcer: He’s tried the stock market, invested in Bitcoin, but they’re awfully high-risk]

Without a moment’s hesitation, Dick steps into the water and topples the woman, grabbing the dollar bill before it lands and becomes drenched. Dog-paddling to the other side of the pool, he hauls himself out, water streaming from his pockets and pale hair, which has grown unaccountably more gray as this story unfolds.

He doesn’t notice that over half his money has been left soaking and bobbing in the pool, because the next free dollar is up ahead at the yard’s edge. He jogs and scoops up the bill, stuffing it into his barely buttoned shirt front.

[Announcer: And with each loss, he keeps doing the same thing, over and over again, trying to ensure a comfortable retirement]  

Rounding the corner of the house, he again bends, snatching up a single dollar, and scurrying off to the next. A fierce miniature schnauzer has planted herself, yapping, between Dick and the dollar. He delivers a quick kick. The dog yelps and snaps, flung to the end of her chain, but Dick is intent on grabbing up that dollar and hustling for the next.

[Announcer: There are other investment choices out there. Less dramatic returns, true, but lower risk. Ensure your future today by calling the number on your screen]

Dicks reaches a busy intersection, and spies a single dollar twinkling and flapping seductively in the center of the hot pavement. Ignoring the red stoplight, he makes a beeline for the bill. Just as he reaches down to grab it…(Truck horn blaring, tires screeching, the thump of impact.)

[Announcer: Don’t be a Dick. Invest in our safe government-issue bonds. Call 1-888-XXX-8888, and change your future today! That’s 1-888-XXX-8888]

Bio:
Tessa Kjeldsdottir is a Midwest dabbler in fiction, folk and fairy tales, and poetry. Her work can be found in the occasional chapbook/anthology, but mostly on her flash blog and sketchbook — Valley of The Trolls dot blog — under the pseudonym Liz Husebye Hartmann.