Peacocks!

by Ping Yi Yee

“The what?”

“Peacocks. And peahens, of course.”

“The peacocks.”

“Yes.”

“So you’re telling me…”

“Yes.”

“That the peacocks…”

“And the peahens.”

“…and the peahens…”

“Yes.”

“…are planning to do what?”

“Secretly take over the world, sir.”

“Secretly take over the world.”

“Yes.”

“… how exactly are they going to do that again?”

“Well, the first thing to remember is that they’re not really peacocks and peahens. That’s just the form that they’ve chosen to adopt.”

“Who have?”

“The Beings, sir.”

“The beings.”

“No, the Beings.”

“The Beings.”

“Yes.”

“And they chose to be peacocks?”

“They chose to be like peacocks. It’s camouflage.”

“Camouflage.”

“Yes.”

“Camouflage against what?”

“Well, us for one. Humans.”

“Camouflage against humans.”

“Yes.”

“Are they commandoes?”

“Who are, sir?”

“The peacocks.”

“No, not as far as we know.”

“Who’s we?”

“The Department, sir.”

“Well, not me, apparently.”

“You do know now, sir.”

“So what do we know again?”

“We know that the peacocks and peahens are using camouflage in their plan to take over the world.”

“Is that all?”

“Is what all?”

“Camouflage. Is that all they need to do to take over the world?”

“No, sir. There’s also economic hijacking.”

“Economic hijacking.”

“Yes.”

“So the peacocks and peahens are using camouflage…”

“Yes.”

“…to take over the world…”

“Yes.”

“And then they hijack the economy?”

“Well, not exactly.  They–”

“Do they dye their feathers green?”

“Excuse me, sir?”

“These commando peacocks. Do they dye their feathers green for camouflage?”

“They’re not commandoes, sir.”

“All right. Do these non-commando peacocks dye their feathers green?”

“No, they do not.”

“So it’s not camouflage.”

“It is camouflage.”

“All right. So these peacocks with non-green camouflage take over the world…”

“There’s the economic hijacking before they can take over the world, sir.”

“Ah yes. The hijacking.”

“Yes, they place themselves in strategic–”

“How?”

“How what, sir?”

“How do they ‘place’ themselves?”

“They use an agent.”

“An agent.”

“Yes.”

“…who is also a peacock?”

“No, sir. The agent is human.”

“Human.”

“Yes, the agent helps the–”

“Can the agent see the peacocks?”

“I beg your pardon, sir?”

“If this agent is human, how can he see the peacocks through their camouflage?”

“Sir, we can see the peacocks.  The peacocks are the camouflage.”

“The peacocks are the camouflage?”

“Yes, sir. The Beings are using the peacock form as camouflage. We can see the peacocks, but not the Beings.”

“We can see the peacocks?”

“Yes.”

“Well, are they here?”

“Are who here?”

“You said we could see the peacocks. Are they here?”

“No sir, they are not.  If I may continue, sir…”

“Yes, of course.”

“The peacocks – or Beings to be more precise – place themselves in strategic locations with the help of a human agent…”

“Can we see this agent?”

“Yes, sir.”

“But he’s not here?”

“No. The agent arranges transport for these peacocks…”

“A cab?”

“No, it’s usually a poultry truck.”

“A poultry truck.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Would that not be asking for it? Into the lion’s den and all?”

“Elaborate double-bluff, sir.”

“Is it?”

“Yes, sir.”

“So let me make sure I’ve got it right. The peacocks place themselves in exclusive vacation resorts around the world…”

“Yes, sir.”

“…resorts so exclusive that only the richest and most powerful individuals in the world are granted access…”

“Yes, exactly.”

“…and by spying on these individuals, the peacocks identify weaknesses in their respective global empires and establish levers of control and influence over the international financial system.”

“You understand perfectly then, sir.”

“How long have we known this?”

“Only as recently as a month ago.”

“And who figured this out?”

“Agent Dudley, sir.”

“Has Agent Dudley been experiencing any sort of personal difficulty recently?”

“No, sir.”

“Any vices such as gambling, or any diseases?”

“No.”

“Any history of depression or dementia in the family?”

“No.”

“When was his last medical?”

“Last week, sir.”

“Did he pass it?”

“Flying colours, sir.”

“And his last psych test?”

“Painted it with all the colours of the wind, sir.”

“Did he now?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Did Agent Dudley have any backup during his investigation?”

“He normally saves all critical files on a separate disk, sir.”

“No, I mean, did he have a partner?”

“Agent Dudley is still single, sir. Policy.”

“Look, all I’m asking is, was Agent Dudley working alone during his investigation?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Very well then. You may proceed with the Plan.”

Bio:
Ping Yi is a huge fan of all humour – in print, sitcoms, on radio, standup, britcom et al. He has work published in Defenestration Magazine, The Short Humour Site and Impspired.