Four Simple Tips for Naming Your Human Pet

by Sarina Dorie

So you’ve recently acquired yourself a pet human. Don’t settle for some silly name like Fluffy, Fleabag, or Crunchy. Name selection is an important part of dominating a human’s fragile psyche and ensuring they remain housebroken.

Remember: you are the overlord. Do not allow them to wake you up at five in the morning to scratch at your door to be fed. You are in charge. Not them. We would not have dominated their species if we were malleable to the whims of a creature who wants to play frisbee and be petted. Selecting the proper name ensures a docile human subordinate who will remain loyal, obedient, yet also serve as your best friend.

Here are some important tips to consider when naming your human.

1. Choose names that represent the qualities you would like your pet to exhibit. Avoid names like Brutus, Princess, and Killer, as this will create a false sense of entitlement in your pet and might put the idea in their minds that they can overthrow their owners. We are the dominant species on the planet now. Although Fluffy and Spot are perfectly acceptable pet names, they are cliché and boring. More importantly, are these the qualities we actually want in our humans? Consider names like Silence, Obedience, and Housebroken.
2. Select a name that you won’t feel embarrassed roaring into the neighborhood. You might think it’s cute to call your precious darling Sir Poops-a-lot or Droolius Caesar, but imagine growling those names at the top of your lungs for all the neighborhood to hear. It’s enough to make you overheat with embarrassment under your feathers.
3. Ensure the name reflects the appropriate relationship with your pet. Since our domination over the less sentient species on the planet, many of us have come to raise humans as livestock. It can be a challenge to get over the hurdle of naming humans and then harvesting them. If you should find yourself in such a circumstance, a name that reminds and reinforces the human’s future role such as Sweetie, Honey, or Chewy is advised. However, we would like to warn our readers that it can be damaging to the psychology of our hatchlings if they grow too attached to humans who serve no other purpose than to feed our population. Naming should only be used for domesticated pets, not livestock.
4. Select a name that their limited human ears can easily hear and understand. Ever since the days we arrived and failed to communicate our intentions in words, we had to work hard to ensure humans understood we dominated the planet. Repopulating the planet with our kind and enslaving humans truly were only the first steps to making sure our voices were heard.

No matter what name you choose for your pet, raising a human is a challenging and rewarding task that takes dedication, tough love, and a strong will not to eat them on the spot. Sometimes it takes a human whisperer to navigate through the complex facets of training a human.

If you should find yourself struggling with your pet, consider these informative articles:

The Art of Housebreaking Your Human in Seven Days, The T-Rex Approach

E-Collar Training for Pet Humans—A Guide for Busy Dinosaurs

How Humans Love Us: The Neuroscience Behind A Dinosaur Overlord’s Best Friend After the Second Rising of Dinosauria Kind

Bio:
Sarina Dorie has sold over 200 stories to markets like The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, Daily Science Fiction, and Analog.