To Santa

by Timothy Lim

Dear Mr. Claus,

I hope this letter finds you in jolly spirits. I am Daryl Jameson, whom you may remember from our extensive correspondence from the years 2000-2005. I regret to have reneged on our follow-up in the interim, and offer my sincere apologies. Indeed, I am writing today in hopes of re-establishing our previous arrangement.

By way of explanation for the lapse in my responsiveness, I seek your understanding in excusing the brashness of my youth. Truly, the inexperienced mind is easily swayed, and I confess to having swallowed the lies my seniors fed me with regard to the reality of your existence. Having recently realised that the true deception lay behind their other promises (the possibility of my owning a house or supporting a family is the true fairytale story!), I have come to my senses and reaffirmed my faith in you.

I understand you serve a great many clientele, and I only hope you recall our relationship with equal fondness. Just as you never failed to deliver on your promise of a Christmas bonus, I consistently performed above average in Nice Behaviour, not to mention Childlike Wonder and Purity of Innocence.

As a mature candidate, I am pleased to report on the development of my character capital during my sabbatical. Accompanying this letter is an indexed list of my Good Deeds since our last correspondence, and a referral letter unequivocally testifying to my character as “Nice”.

Having established my qualifications, please find below the details of my gift application:

1. Coverage of my health insurance premium
2. Elevation of my credit score
3. Restoration of hope in my future

I understand these may be difficult to fit under my tree, but your extensive experience defying the law of gravity gives me full confidence in your ability to deliver. To compensate for any additional trouble, please look forward to a chimney gift of premium-grade imported milk from organic, free-range, grass-fed cows, and a spread of oatmeal cookies handmade by a local artisanal baker purchased from a charity fundraiser for disabled refugee minorities.

I greatly appreciate your attention to my application and look forward to the coming years of a mutually beneficial relationship with you.

Merriest regards,

Daryl Jameson, PhD

Bio:
Timothy Lim is new at this writing thing, but very experienced at inane daydreaming. His main qualification is the paid subscription he bought for a word game.