Yoga for the not so hot

by Joanie Mickie

My apologies to all of you who have gotten past what I consider to be some obstacles to whole-heartedly embracing Yoga.  My hat is off to you if you’ve gone on to develop a healthy relationship with this practice.

Yoga, defined, is “a group of physical, mental and spiritual practices or disciplines which originated in ancient India.”  While there are a broad variety of yoga practices, in the Western world yoga usually denotes a form of exercise consisting largely of the postures or asanas.  Asana, loosely translated means get your “ass on a” mat and try to mimic positions the normal body was never expecting to experience.

My friend gave me a Yoga tape.  The instructor talks you calmly through each pose.  “Raise the sternum” I hear, trying desperately to keep up with the people smoothly performing the instructions.  I can’t immediately recall just where or even what the sternum is.  I’m from a generation that didn’t waste much time teaching anatomy to women who weren’t going to be nurses.  I watch the performers – nothing is overtly “raising” so I skip ahead to tucking the pelvis, which I CAN locate thanks to Elvis.  If ever I were to get my limbs in some of the other positions demonstrated, it would likely be the result of a dismemberment accident.

At the end of my first actual in-person yoga class, we are all lying on our backs with comfy little millet-filled bean bags over our eyes.  I thought a millet was a chicken, which caused me to wonder how you would be able to fill a small bean bag with them.  It turns out that a pullet is a chicken and millet is birdseed.   Go figure.  Anyway, you can see how my stress level was not greatly reduced by the whole experience.

The same friend that gave me the tape is now excited about, are you ready, goat yoga.  Keeping an open mind, I did some research on the subject.  “It’s surprisingly relaxing to feel a couple of small animals jump up onto your back.”  I get the “surprisingly” part…the “relaxing”, not so much. I proceed to Frequently Asked Questions which I’ve found to be enlightening on any subject I’ve researched.  A prominent FAQ is “Why do goats pee on you?”  I’m no scientist but my first thought would be because they are barnyard animals, but no.  The answer, which I believe was meant to be reassuring is, “He really just thought you were sexy and wanted to show you he was sexy too.”  Oh, and female goats will also pee on you, but more in the area of your shoes.

Another FAQ was, “do goats poop during yoga?” and yes, they do poop on your mat from time to time.  It’s evidently not messy because goats have small pellets and all you have to do is shake off your mat.  And, “we have to remember they are not dogs or cats but farm animals”.  I rest my case.

One of the dangers of thorough research is that you discover stuff you’re better off not knowing.  Somehow I found myself reading about tree goats and found that the argan oil (“one of the most highly sought after culinary and cosmetic liquids in the world”) that I use on my hair is made from argan nuts passed through the digestive system of a tree goat whole.  These “kernels” are roasted, ground, mashed or cold-pressed to produce the coveted oil.  I am not making this up.   I bet this was discovered by the same people who came to the conclusion that jellyfish have superb memories and thus market the now-popular memory-enhancing supplement.  By the way, I terminated goat research choosing to remain ignorant regarding any “culinary” use of the prized goat-pooped nuts.

I did look into info on couple’s yoga upon viewing images of yoga poses for two.  Here’s instructions for one pose:  “Sit back-to-back and cross-legged in Sukhasana,(which I believe is a small town in Nebraska) and inhale your arms up. Exhale and twist to the right. Reach your right hand for your partner’s left knee/shin/thigh. This seated twist is a very easy, but intimate movement when performed with a partner.  With every inhale, lengthen and find more space. And with each exhale, utilize your partner’s knee to gently twist a bit deeper. See if you can synchronize your breathing.”  At this point, my husband and I would be laughing so hard we’d probably pee and wish we had a goat to blame it on.

Bio:
Joanie Mickle has had numerous short humor pieces published. She finds being funny somewhat easier than being knowledgeable.