Existential Crisis

by Odi Welter

            “If I jumped off a building and died would you miss me?”

            “We’re currently stuck in a room with no windows and tiny vents. How exactly are you going to jump off a building?”

            “I know, but hypothetically–”

            “Now is really not a good time for you to be having an existential crisis.”

            “I’m sorry if my existential crisis is inconvenient for you!”

            “You’re right! It is very inconvenient! You couldn’t have done this before we got trapped in an abandoned building together?”

            “I’m sorry I don’t schedule my existential crises like you, you emotionless void!”

            “I am not an emotionless void! I am trying to get us out of here!”

            “You’re not going to be able to dig through brick with your water bottle.”

            “At least I’m trying and not sitting on my ass talking about jumping off buildings!”

“I’d care if you jumped off a building.”

“I never said I wouldn’t care! I just have more pressing issues to think about at the moment! For example, getting out of here before we die in this asbestos-infested death trap! God, why did I let you talk me into this?”

“I bet you’d eat me if I died first.”

“I’ll throw you off a building myself if you don’t quit being a whiny bitch and help me fix the problem you caused!”

“See? You always do this. It’s always my fault.”

“This is your fault! You wanted to explore the abandoned building, you wanted to go into the creepy basement, and you wanted to take home the cool graffiti that was the only thing keeping the doorway from caving in!”

“It’s a snake with hands!”

“That’s a lizard! And you couldn’t have just taken a picture?”

“Fine, I’m sorry, I’ll help.”

“Thank you. That’s all I wanted.”

“You’d miss me though, right?”

“Of course I would, idiot.”

Odi Welter is a queer, neurodivergent author currently studying Film and Creative Writing at the University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee. When not writing, they are indulging in their borderline unhealthy obsessions with fairy tales, marine life, superheroes, and botany.

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